You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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