ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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