Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
