My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
