Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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