I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
