The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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