The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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