you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
