I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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