I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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