I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
