It was confusing and full of hummus
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I supernannyed him into submission
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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