He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
