There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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