in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
