I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He passed out mid-signature
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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