last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
