We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
