I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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