fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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