just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
