dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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