dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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