they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
