and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
