We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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