You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
