I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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