You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
