Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
