We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
only you would photoshop your dick
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
