I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
