I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
