he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
NoShamevember. You game?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
