I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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