I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
