Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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