I accidentally burped into my bong.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
