How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
another moral hangover. fuck.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Randomize
