im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
