found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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