I wish my penis had an off switch
the condom got lost in my hair
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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