i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
