Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
