If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
