Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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