So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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