My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
