im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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