i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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