Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
