and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
